What is Game Theory (plain)
Game theory = formal study of strategic interaction: people (players) choose actions knowing others’ choices affect outcomes. In social life, every interaction is a “game” with payoffs (attraction, trust, status, friendship). Learning game theory helps you pick actions that maximize good outcomes while managing risk, uncertainty, and other people’s incentives.
Why this helps flirting & conversation
Social interactions aren’t random — they follow patterns.
Game theory teaches you to predict, influence, and shape other people’s responses by changing payoffs, information, timing, and credibility.
It’s not cold math — it’s a practical lens: who moves first, who shows commitment, when to escalate, when to back off, how to create trust and reciprocity.
The neuroscience & psychology behind it (short)
Prediction & reward (dopamine): People prefer actions that produce predictable reward. If your move increases expected reward (fun, safety, status), they engage more.
Trust & oxytocin: Cooperative games (tit-for-tat, repeated cooperation) release bonding chemistry.
Threat/defense (amygdala): High-risk aggressive moves trigger threat circuits; calibration avoids shutting down the other person.
Mirror/simulation: People simulate others’ strategies; simple, consistent signals are easier to simulate and thus accepted.
Loss aversion & framing: People hate perceived losses more than they value equivalent gains—play with framing to reduce perceived cost of agreeing.
Core game-theory models & how they map to flirting/convos
1) Prisoner’s Dilemma (PD) — Trust vs Temptation
Structure: Mutual cooperation gives good payoff; unilateral defection gives big payoff to defector but hurts the cooperator; mutual defection worse than mutual cooperation.
Social mapping: Should I show vulnerability / open up (cooperate) or stay aloof (defect)?
Tactic: In one-off encounters, defection (safety) is common. In repeated interactions (college, classes), cooperation pays long-term. Use gradual reciprocity: small cooperative moves (sharing, compliments) and watch reciprocation before bigger asks.
Example:
You compliment (cooperate). If she reciprocates → continue. If she ignores (defects) → reduce vulnerability.
2) Stag Hunt — Coordination & Safety
Structure: Two options: risky big reward (hunt stag = coordinate) or safe small reward (hare). Success requires mutual cooperation.
Social mapping: Suggesting a bold meet (stag) vs safe small hangout (hare).
Tactic: Use signals that make coordination likely (shared reference, mutual friend, schedule alignment). Build minimal trust then propose the stag.
Example:
After a few texts, say: “There’s this rooftop event — looks awesome. I’ll go if you’re in.” (gives safe exit; if she signals interest, both get high payoff)
3) Matching Pennies / Mixed Strategies — Playfulness & Unpredictability
Zero-sum model where unpredictability matters. In flirting, pure predictability becomes boring; controlled unpredictability keeps engagement (teasing, varied timing).
Tactic: Use occasional unexpected playful moves (fun texts, small surprises) but balanced with stability.
4) Coordination & Focal Points (Schelling Points)
People coordinate on obvious choices when communication limited (time/place). Use cultural or contextual focal points to propose plans that feel “obvious” and easy to accept.
Tactic: Propose a Schelling point: “Let’s meet at the main gate after class” — easy and frictionless.
5) Signaling & Costly Signals
Signaling theory: credible (costly) signals distinguish true intent from bluff.
Social mapping: costly signals = time, effort, consistency. A one-off expensive gesture signals serious intent; cheap signals can be faked.
Tactic: For attraction, use small, low-cost signals early (consistent replies, remembered details). Reserve costly signals for when reciprocation is clear.
6) Bargaining & Ultimatum
Who concedes first, how to split time/attention.
Tactic: Use asymmetric offers (you get what you want while offering a visible concession). E.g., “We can catch coffee; I’ll come to your side of town this time” — you concede commute, she gains convenience.
7) Repeated Games & Reputation
Repetition changes incentives: cooperation becomes stable (tit-for-tat).
Tactic: Build a reputation for being reliable, calm, interesting. Small consistent wins compound.
8) Cheap Talk vs Costly Actions
Cheap talk = words alone; often ignored. Costly actions = visible commitments.
Tactic: Pair words with tiny costly actions (arrive slightly early, remember a small preference). This turns talk into believable intent.
Practical rules-of-thumb (game-theory heuristics for flirting)
1. Start small, escalate on reciprocity. (PD → tit-for-tat)
2. Make the cooperative option low-cost. (reduce her perceived risk)
3. Signal credibility early with consistent micro-actions. (texting patterns, remembering)
4. Use focal points to make coordination effortless. (time/place defaults)
5. Mix predictability and surprise. (keep interest without anxiety)
6. Frame choices as win-win. (both get value)
7. Avoid zero-sum framing. (don’t make interaction feel like competition)
8. Protect reputation—repeat interactions matter more than short wins.
Real-world scripts & examples (concrete)
Opening (low-risk cooperative move)
“You’ve got great taste in music — quick challenge: send one song, I’ll send one. Saturday coffee to compare?”
(Game: low-cost cooperation → coordination to meet)
Handling ambivalence (Stag Hunt → hare first)
She: “Maybe, not sure.”
You: “No pressure — quick 15-min coffee after class? If you want longer we can plan.”
(Reduces risk—moves from stag to hare)
Using signaling
“I saved a seat for you at the talk” (shows preparation & value)
(If she accepts → high reciprocation potential)
Bargaining / Ultimatum (soft)
“I can do Friday evening, or Saturday morning. Which works?”
(Offer two good options — you control frame)
Tit-for-tat in texting
Mirror energy: short replies → short replies; long replies → thoughtful replies. Occasionally escalate with a small value-add (gif, song).
Unpredictability / Mixed strategy
Mostly reliable: reply same day, keep plans. Occasionally send a playful unexpected voice note or a meme. (Keeps novelty)
Beginner → Advanced drills & practice plan
Beginner (Weeks 0–2): Understand payoffs & reduce costs
Task: Map 10 social scenarios you face (library chat, corridor, party). For each, write 3 possible moves and expected payoff for you & them (cooperate/defect).
Drill: Practice low-cost cooperative opens (compliment + question + easy close).
Intermediate (Weeks 3–6): Signaling & coordination
Task: Run 5 coordination offers using focal points (time/place) and note acceptance rate.
Drill: Use two-choice closes in 10 invites (A or B). Record which option chosen and why.
Advanced (Weeks 7–12): Mixed strategies & reputation engineering
Task: Implement a 4-week reputation plan: daily small reliable acts (on-time, thoughtful messages, helpfulness) and 1 surprise per week.
Drill: Use predictive sequencing — make a small prediction about their preference and test it later. Track accuracy & effect.
Mastery (Months 4+): Multi-agent games & coalitions
Practice group dynamics (lead small study group, coordinate 5 friends), observe coalition formation, use subtle frame-control to lead outcomes.
Measurement & KPIs (how to know you’re improving)
Reply-to-invite conversion rate (texts → meet): goal +20% in 8 weeks.
Acceptance time (days/hours from invite to yes): shorter is better.
Reciprocity ratio (their cooperative moves / your cooperative moves). Aim ~1:1 to 1.5:1.
Repeat meeting rate: % of meets that lead to planned second meet.
Perceived warmth/interest score (self-rate 1–5 after interactions).
Keep a 1-line log after each interaction: move used → reaction → outcome.
Neuroscience-backed tactics (how to use brain wiring)
1. Reduce ambiguity → lowers amygdala threat. Use clear, low-cost options.
2. Deliver small surprises → positive prediction error (dopamine spike) — e.g., unexpected but pleasant message.
3. Use oxytocin boosters → small shared experiences (laughter, touch only with consent, mutual vulnerability) to increase bonding.
4. Leverage loss aversion carefully — frame as “only a few seats” or “limited time” sparingly, not to coerce.
5. Slow pacing in voice and action → signals calm confidence (prefrontal regulation), makes you more persuasive.
Common pitfalls & fixes
Playing zero-sum (treating attention as scarce resource) → makes interactions competitive. Fix: frame as mutual gain.
Over-signaling too soon (costly signal before reciprocation) → wasted commitment. Fix: follow tit-for-tat: start small.
Always predictable → boring. Fix: add controlled novelty.
Being manipulative → ethical faceplant. Fix: use win-win framing & explicit consent for escalation.
Ethical compass (must-read)
Game theory is a tool, not a weapon. Use it to create mutual value — enjoyable, consensual, dignified interactions. NEVER use coercion, deception, or information asymmetry to exploit someone’s vulnerabilities. Reputation compounds — ethical behavior is both morally right and strategically superior long-term.
Quick cheat-sheet (before any approach)
1. Identify game type (one-off vs repeated; coordination vs zero-sum).
2. Lower her cost to cooperate.
3. Offer a focal point for coordination.
4. Use small, credible signals.
5. If reciprocation → escalate; if not → withdraw gracefully.
6. Keep reputation & consent first.
Example 10s flow (college hallway):
Observe → small cooperative line (“You always find the best study spots.”) → low-cost offer (“Want to compare notes over quick coffee — today or tomorrow?”) → read response → follow tit-for-tat.
Ready-to-use templates (pick & adapt)
1. Two-choice invite (coordination): “Coffee after class — 5:15 or 6:30? Which works?”
2. Low-cost signal (show reliability): “I saved the slides for you — want me to pass them along now?”
3. Mixed-strategy playful text: “I’ll send one weird fact; you send one — loser buys coffee.”
4. Reputation builder: “Small heads-up — I usually show up on time and bring snacks.” (signals punctuality & value)
5. Stag-hunt bait: “There’s this secret study spot with a rooftop view — it’s worth coordinating for. Fancy a quick look this weekend?”
How to practice right now (5-minute micro-exercise)
1. Pick the last 3 conversations you had. For each, classify the game (PD, Stag Hunt, Coordination, Bargain).
2. Write one simpler action you could’ve done to increase cooperation (lower cost, focal point, credible signal).
3. Next time, try that action deliberately and log result.
Comments
Post a Comment